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Why the Self-Help World is Failing Us: A New Approach to Lasting Change

Is the Self-Help World Helping or Hurting?

The self-help world is failing us. While it’s a beautiful idea that changing our thoughts can change our lives, this oversimplified advice misses a critical question: What’s creating our thoughts in the first place? Are we blindly creating thoughts for the sake of it, or are they the product of biological processes designed to keep us safe?


In this post, we’ll explore how our nervous system shapes our thoughts, why blaming ourselves for negative thought patterns is unhelpful, and how recognising our biological responses can create true change.


You can also hear me talk about this topic in the video below. Want more videos on this topic and more? Check out my YouTube Channel HERE


Your nervous system state is reflected in your thoughts and behaviours.

What’s Creating Your Thoughts?

Your thoughts don’t come out of nowhere. They’re often a product of your nervous system state.


Imagine you’re preparing for an important meeting or exam and feel butterflies in your stomach. What thoughts are going through your head? Would changing those thoughts make the butterflies go away? Likely not!


Instead, those thoughts and sensations are signals from your body, letting you know your nervous system is activated. Recognising this activation—and using tools to bring yourself back to safety—can reduce the feelings in your gut and naturally shift your thoughts.


Thought Patterns and Nervous System States

Blaming someone for their thought patterns is unhelpful because thoughts are often tied to survival mechanisms. Your body is always working to keep you safe in an uncertain world, and your thoughts are part of that process.


For example:

  • When you feel calm and regulated, your thoughts tend to be more balanced and positive.

  • When you’re stressed or anxious, your thoughts are more likely to spiral into worry or self-doubt.


Instead of focusing solely on changing thoughts, we should turn our attention to the body and nervous system, using tools to restore balance and create lasting change.


How Can You Create a Sense of Inner Safety?The key to meaningful change starts with recognising and responding to your nervous system state. Here’s how you can start:

  1. Notice what’s happening in your body. Pay attention to physical cues like butterflies in your stomach, a racing heart, or tight shoulders.

  2. Acknowledge your state. Are you feeling anxious, calm, or even shut down? Labelling your state gives you clarity.

  3. Use tools to shift. Breathwork, grounding techniques, or connecting with others who are safe and grounded can bring your body back to a state of safety and reduce mental and physical tension.


Let’s Stop Blaming and Start Supporting

The self-help world often tells us to “just change your thoughts,” but this ignores the powerful role of biology. True transformation happens when we help others feel safe within themselves, acknowledging that thought patterns often stem from nervous system responses.


Learn About Your Nervous System in My 2025 Workshops


In my workshops, I’ll support you to:

  • Learn how your nervous system works.

  • Identify the state you’re in and understand what it means.

  • Use tools to regulate your nervous system and return to a feeling of inner safety.


My March workshop is already full, but I’ll be releasing new dates soon.


In the meantime, join me for Hike-Breathe-Connect this Saturday 1st Feb 2025 at 7am. Connection with others is a soothing balm for a frazzled nervous system, and this outdoor session is a perfect way to reset and reconnect.


Lasting Change Starts with the Nervous System

The self-help industry has given us a lot of advice about changing our thoughts, but lasting change starts deeper. By understanding your nervous system and working with it, you can find true calm and clarity—and empower yourself to live with greater ease.


Melanie Briony - Facilitator and Coach logo in grey.




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